Sheep in the big city (part two)

So, about a month ago I wrote that I have moved to a big city. I wrote about the freedom that big city offers among other things, below is the link to it

Sheep in the big city.

So, its been more than a month since I moved to the big city within two weeks of that I became really ill. Had fever and flu for a few days then lost my voice(sore throat) and hardly could speak for about 10 days. My eating habits changed, I became cranky and homesick . The thing is big city does offer you freedom but there is a sense of loneliness also that comes with it when I was sick in my post-grad class nobody even bothered to ask about how am I feeling or even tried to generally just talk to me to make me feel better. I am not blaming anyone because I am a new student who is from another city and I guess people here have way more busier life. Everyone here is always in a rush, always busy, I just wish people would slow down a bit, take a deep breath and look at the stars more often, take more late night walks instead of going to the gym all the time but well, that’s just wishful thinking, I guess. But what’s the point of life if its so robotic ? You always wake up at a certain time, you do certain daily tasks and go home and sleep. That’s how life is here.There is no concept of spur of the moment decisions, no spontaneity! I miss my sudden plans with friends, I miss how me and my friends used to arrange surprise birthday parties and just ditch classes sometimes and share a meal and a good laugh at some nearby cafe.

In short, I am kinda bothered by the robotics routine in the big city. I love the freedom that comes with it but what’s the point of it when you end up doing similar routine tasks that everyone else around you is doing everyday.

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The Parlour Talk.

In Pakistani parlours, the ladies not just come for grooming but to hear the latest gossip about someone else and to discuss household matters with the parlour lady and the other customers. Complete strangers end up telling you about the fight they had with their husbands/sons/daughters/mother in laws/ sister in laws etc. You get a feeling which is mixture of fascination and disgust in parlour. I think as human beings we tend to become a little interested in what’s going on in a stranger’s life to pass the time. But, sometimes you hear such horrendous stories which make your blood boil like nothing else! From these talks you can gauge how women no matter how much educated, are still suffering abuse.

Just a few days ago, I went to a local parlour and the owner was talking about her daughter,how she doesn’t drink milk and how her daughter’s husband have tried everything to make her drink milk. She said something which made me boil with anger, she said that her daughter’s husband didn’t pushed her that much to drink milk because he said she might argue a lot and he might lose his temper and hit her! that’s just how easy it is to lose temper,apparently for men. I was actually more worried at how the owner was casually talking about it like it’s just a normal part of life and its true, for many people, it’s a normal thing sadly. The women themselves don’t realize how toxic the patriarchial attitude is for them. I have heard similar talks like that in different local parlours, so and so girl shouldn’t have argued much that’s why he(her husband ) hit her and it’s her fault too because she argued. Nobody gets that beating is never right no matter how much she argues. Some people just don’t get that at all and that’s why sometimes the parlour talk makes me sick.

The kind of love .

I belive in the kind of love that is a force of pure joy but isn’t forceful

The kind of love that makes you feel like home.

The kind of love that doesn’t give you sweaty palms and doesn’t make you anxious but instead is a source of calmness and comfort.

The kind of love which is genuine,understanding and kind.

The kind of love which isn’t based on modern hookup culture.

The kind of love which radiates warmth and cosyness.

The kind of love which is based on genuine friendship.

I believe in such kind of love.

An open letter to all the supporters.

Dear supporters,

I am not a popular blogger nor am I even that consistent in blogging(working on that bit) but still whenever I post on my blog some people always take the time to read my post and it just makes me really happy.I still remember the day when I wrote my first blog post back in September 2016(which I think I deleted afterwards in 2017) and no one read it ! But after a year I started properly blogging when I was going through a really depressive and dark phase of my life. In my utterly hopeless state many bloggers here gave me the strength to just keep going on in life. I gained strength and hope by the kind words of other bloggers and by reading their blog posts I came to the realization that I am not the only one who is going through a dark time, there are countless people who have had gone through Hell and back and didn’t loose themselves in the process.

The thing is depression does a funny thing with you. It makes you feel like you are the only one who is facing this unbearable situation and everyone else around you is happy and sorted in life. But, we all have our demons,we all fight with them everyday, sometimes they overpower us and sometimes we beat them. It’s an ongoing battle and you have to keep fighting the good fight till your last breath. Supportive people just make it a bit easier for you to fight. So, thank you everyone who supported me by reading my posts, by liking and commenting on them and thank you to those bloggers who shared their own experiences with mental health issues,their posts gave me hope to carry on. I am forever grateful to you guys.

Yours sincerely,

Wanderer.

Decisions decisions.

You feel a peace of mind when you stop litening to outside voices and instead listen to your own inside voice. Even if you end up making the wrong decision ,you will have the satisfaction of knowing that the decision was made solely by you and you alone and you will not develop any bitterness towards anyone else.The important thing is to make decisions with a sound heart and mind because sometimes you need to listen to both to reach somewhere in life.

Sheep in the big city.

I have shifted to another city.A big one. The thing about big cities is that they scare the Hell out of you because there is just so much traffic and so many people and everyone is always rushing to go someplace but there is also a sense of freedom and fascination attached to the big city.

You feel much more independent and being independent is a need if you want to survive in the big city. Plus, you don’t know anyone so your life begins with a clean slate. Now, you can fill that slate however you want. You can pretend to be more confident and try to change your dressing style without any fear that people might judge you for that change because here everyone will be unfamiliar with your dressing sense and how you generally present yourself. So, you have freedom to make changes and turn over a new leaf.

A big city has a certain fascination because it contains so many historical buildings and old markets and you get to see so much diversity, along with mosques there are other places of worship for people belonging to different religions. You see Temples and churches too. Plus,I have noticed one amazing thing that unlike other comparatively smaller cities the big cities have huge number of female population who work. You see so many females on roads, you see many females taking buses, cabs and rickshaws to go to work or college alone. There is no supervisor with them, the freedom to travel alone even if you are just going to college or work is an amazing thing which you don’t get to see much in villages and small cities. Mind you, my hometown is also big but there were certain restrictions on many(not all) women when it came to travelling and you didnt get to see so many females on the road.

And obviously there are downsides to living in the big city which I haven’t observed or experienced yet but for now, I am really enjoying the freedom that comes with it.

I have a dream.

Sometimes, don’t you just dream about having a cottage in the middle of the woods near a lake.Where you can just go sometimes when you are overwhelmed by people. Where you have a cosy little sitting room with a big shelf full of books, a fireplace, a small table made of wood and a big comfy sofa where you can just sit with a blanket on and read books for hours while listening to old songs on an old timey radio device which you have placed on the table along with a cup of coffee.Where you have no smartphones just an ordinary cellphone which you can use occasionally to contact with the outside world, no TV, no computers,no WiFi. Where you can wake up early in the morning to the sound of birds chirping outside your window. Where you can freely take walks to the lake in the morning. Where other neighbouring cottages are at least 2 -3 km away. Where sometimes you can go for a boat ride with your neighbours in the lake and have a picnic near the lake and share few laughs.

You just want peace, harmony and a closeness to nature in your life that’s why you have such type of dreams,I believe, and it’s important to dream because your dreams keep alive the human being in you, I believe, how can you possibly live without even a single dream.

When You Suck At Comforting People.

I am one of those people who literally go into a confused panic mode when someone suddenly starts crying while telling their problems. I just don’t know how to react properly in such situations and end up doing the most bizarre things which end up being kinda funny sometimes when I look back and remember what I did.

So, I am gonna talk about something that happened in my first year of uni in 2013. I made a friend who was this sweet girl who loved to read books(just like me). So, she had a boyfriend at that time and she was very vocal about it, she told this to any guy who tried to hit on her and I loved this thing about her because usually girls here try to hide such things.

That boyfriend of hers was a very typical controlling guy and used to tell her not to talk to guys at all and wear a scarve or duppatta on her head whenever she goes to uni. She was always like he minds this and he minds that. She didn’t even used to get offended like other girls when I used to tell her that her beau is just too controlling because she was hopeful his behavior will change someday.

So, one day, I was really hungry and didn’t even had breakfast and was eating patties during a morning class break in the girl’s common room. She came inside and looked at the room(no one was there except me) and hugged me and started crying. My mouth was full of a big piece of patty that I was chewing and I was holding a half eaten patty in my hand and I went like “wah hawppen” in a weird voice because my mouth was full and in that same instant some of our classmates entered the common room and saw the scene, me clutching a patty, while, she crying with her head on my shoulder. I just froze at the moment. My friend quickly sat properly while all the girls asked what happened and we told them nothing and I just went on eating the remaining patty like nothing has happened while one of the girls gave me the how can you eat when your friend is crying look. The girls left the room and she began telling me about her boyfriend (who she found out was flirting with other girls behind her back) and the fight they had which eventually led to their break up. All the while she was also crying, I didnt know what to do,I just awkwardly ate my patties and drank my tea while listening to her and told her she is way better than him in every way(which wasn’t a lie. She is a beautiful girl with a overall nice personality and her life is better than ever without her stupid ex) and she just cried more and I was like what to do and then her cousin came ( who was also in our class ) and took her outside and that was the end of it.

Looking back now I laugh at the memory. Me just trying to finish my patties awkwardly in such a critical situation. Man, I still am the same type of awkward person I was back in 2013. Somethings never change,I guess.

P.S I did try to cheer her up later that day when things cooled a little. I am not that bad of a friend :p

Every Color Is Lovely.

A few days ago, I went to a beauty parlour to get mehndi or henna tattoos on my hands.On chand raat(night before the Eid festival) in Pakistan many girls go out to get henna tattoos (which aren’t permanent btw). So, as expected the parlour was full of ladies waiting for their turn to get mehndi. Luckily, I was one of the first ones to get mehndi and the mehndi artist showed me some pictures and I picked one design and then she started applying that design on my right hand. There were two mehndi artists sitting side by side each other on the floor and me and this other girl were their two customers. The other girl was quite dusky in complexion and had great curly hair. So, as they both were applying designs on our hands, other women came to see the designs and commented on them. This one women came and while pointing at me, she said to my mehndi artist “either you are a talented girl that’s why the mehndi design is looking so good or its looking good just because her hands are so pretty and white.” To which the artist replied,” yeah, hands matter and so does talent”

I smiled at that compliment and then a while later, another girl came looked at me and said to my artist(who began working on my left hand now as right hand was done) “I want a mehndi design just the way you did hers! It looks so pretty on her hand”, while pointing at my right hand.

I smiled again and absentmindedly glanced at the other girl sitting beside me and I saw she became a bit uncomfortable and was looking at her mehndi design with a look of unhappiness. Another lady came and said my mehndi looks so good while no one praised the mehndi design of the other girl sitting beside me. Then it hit me, eventhough our mehndi artists were different but her mehndi design was quite similar to mine and her artist did a wonderful job but people were praising my artist just because my hands were white and hers were dusky and due to my white complexion many people thought the mehndi looked ‘good on me’.

I felt kinda weird after that as yet again another person, a little girl of about 8 came and said,”I want the same design as hers”(pointing at my right hand). and the compliments continued as more ladies came and many said my hands are really pretty that’s why the design looks so good.

Generally, we don’t realize that how many girls actually face this kind of discrimination just because they have a dusky complexion. I have been told many times that my hands and feet are pretty just because they are white. Dark is beautiful, white is beautiful , dusky is beautiful. In short, every color is beautiful . It’s high time we realize that and stop with this discrimination which is giving our girls insecurities. Many girls here don’t get married just because of their skin color because we are conditioned to believe that white is beautiful and its so sickening that our value is based on our skin complexion. It’s sickening and it should stop. Value the over all personality of a person not the color of his/her skin.

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